Double-take...

I've been freezing my butt off in Iowa for almost two weeks now. Snow covers the ground, more is forecasted and it is doubtful that the temperature broke 20 degrees today. I went into Target for a couple things and was shocked with a quizzical sight. Hanging beside t-shirts of snowmen and gingerbread men were skimpy bikinis and bathing suits. It only took a moment for me to realize that these were for those persons embarking upon winter cruises and tropical vacations. But it was still a very odd sight to see this vast array on the main aisle of Target in deep-cold December...

A New Kind of Door...?

More and more changes. More and more uncertainty. I've felt lost, disoriented, directionless. That's what my life has been about. Still jobless. Now becoming homeless. (Some things are happening within the family I've been staying with and consequently I can no longer stay. They need to be able to rally around each other with no distractions, including a jobless housemate.)

So, what does this mean? Good question! I don't know. My stuff-in-use will join the rest of my stuff in storage. I'll live out of my suitcases for now. I'm still going home for Thanksgiving. After that... only God knows.

More job applications have been turned in, but I have heard nothing. I have made inquiries for housing to no avail.

I would love to live out of my car for awhile- I think that would truly be exciting, even exhilarating. But, it's too cold this time of year.

So, I started trying to think outside the box. If these traditional doors for a job aren't opening, is there another door? Maybe a new type of door? Perhaps something I've overlooked? And something came to mind. A brief conversation I had had with my dad just a few days before. He presented an idea which I casually dismissed. Only because I had thought about it before and didn't deem it relevant or possible. Now, this idea seems much more probable. It is generating excitement for my future which I haven't had in almost six months.

I'm purposefully not naming the idea at this time. I'm talking to some key people and doing a lot of research. And of course, this is spawning lots and lots of prayer. So, if you have been- thank you- and please keep it up. There's still a very rocky road to navigate... but now, perhaps, with some direction.

It's been awhile...

Yes, it's been awhile. About five months actually. And what a five months it has been...

If you didn't know, near the end of May, I lost my job. I am still jobless. I've had some great interviews. I'm seeking the Lord daily for direction. But the doors have not opened yet. Those around me and praying for me believe God is waiting because something big is coming. And not just for me. Something big for our community, our church, our friends. Something I will be involved with. We have yet to see what that something is, but we are waiting expectantly.

This time (being unemployed) has been rewarding in other ways. God has given me many opportunities to serve friends in the church and the church itself. I have done a lot of childcare and baby-sitting. I've helped organize projects at church and run errands. And have even taken on the position of Hospitality Coordinator for Sunday mornings at church. I have stayed very busy. And the downtime I do have, have been filled with playing Wii with Jonny.

Jonny is our associate pastor's son. I am now living with their family. About three months after I lost my job, my lease came up on my apartment. Without any income, I could no longer afford it. Tom & Jeanne opened their home to me. Most of my stuff went into storage and I now inhabit a finished attic space in their house that is almost like a studio apartment.

The last five months have been wrought with changes and daily struggles. But through it all, God has never left my side. Daily He reminds me and reassures me that He is in control; that He has a magnificent plan for my life.

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

Isaiah 41:9b-10- You are My servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am you God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Psalm 142:7- Bring my soul out of prison, So that I may give thanks to Thy name; The righteous will surround me, For Thou wilt deal bountifully with me.

Job 42:2- I know that Thou canst do all things, And that no purpose of Thine can be thwarted.

1 Peter 1:6-7- In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;

She got the Power...

(Suddenly I see)
She got the power to be, the power to give, the power to see, yeah yeah
Lyrics from KT Tunstall Suddenly I See

2008 is the year of new beginnings...
Spring is the time for a fresh new start...

Fervent prayers, heartfelt conversations, urgent restlessness, cries of injustice are plaguing us. Me and my friends. We vent to each other in frustration of our desire to act, to move, to cause the change. But we have been asked to wait. The time has not yet come. The door is not yet open.

When? we ask, though we plead for it to be now. How long are we to endure the anxious motions of our spirits?

Each of us has been placed here at this time for a specific purpose, though we do not know what that is. Each of us are in difficult situations on the verge of giving way. God has brought us together, here in this place, for a reason. We are more than just a support system. We are to be more than just friends.

All of us know it, sense it, believe it. The Holy Spirit is moving within us individually and communally. Preparing each of us for what lies ahead. And we have each been given special gifts:

She got the power to be, the power to give, the power to see, yeah yeah

to aid our fellow man, to fulfill the purpose of the Spirit, to bring glory to God;

through the Power of God alone.

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place and you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

Heart of Hearts...

Inside my heart of hearts
You have delivered me
Messiah, You calmed the raging sea
Inside my heart of hearts.

Lyrics from a song that sings to me in times when I'm hurt, by Wayne Watson.

I have tried to brush it off, ignore it, or even hide from it. I have tried to simply not let it affect me. Others have offered advice which I have tried. I have taped a picture of a duck to my computer at work to remind me to let it "roll off my back like water off a duck's back". I put up a strong front, but inwardly I'm shrinking and shriveling. Because no matter what, I always have and always will, have a sensitive heart.

The slightest off-hand remark or inflection in a voice can send me reeling. Even if it was unintended. A truly harsh word is like a knife being stabbed directly into me.

God has promised that He will contend with those who contend with us (Isaiah 41:11). And He will strengthen us before our enemy (Psalm 18).

I want to ask if I will ever grow out of this. Will I ever be unhurt by the words of man? Perhaps I have discovered part of the purpose for my current position. Never have I been somewhere before where words were used everyday in such a harsh, critical way. Never before have I been so wounded by words spoken to me or about me. Perhaps I am here to once and for all learn that my validation is from God alone. No one on earth can take that from me.

But is there a way for my heart to exist in both ways? To still be sensitive and yet not be wounded? Or just maybe, that is why my heart is sensitive and to lose the wounds would harden it. If that is so, then I will have to learn to endure the wounds. For though I act tough, I enjoy my sensitive heart and the compassion towards others that it allows.

Please watch this...

My friend posted this on a MySpace Bulletin. The words ring with profound truth and the musical accompaniment is simple and passionate. I hope you enjoy...

Experiments in Cooking...

This past week I got to spend time doing one of my favorite things- cooking. I have become the resident dessert maker for our bi-weekly Lifegroup (home fellowship)dinners and undertook a massive effort for Friday's pleasure, which I'll get to momentarily. I also got a little experimental with some ground beef. All in all it was an exciting time and I thought I would share my experiments with you...

Sweet Beef
I was cooking some ground beef one evening and wasn't sure what I wanted to do with it. So, I opened my spice cupboard hoping for inspiration. I saw a recently purchased tub of paprika from Whole Foods sitting there in its burnt red gloriousness. (I love paprika!) So, I opened it up and luxuriously sprinkled some over the meat. Then on a complete whim, dusted some ground cinnamon and crumbled some brown sugar into the pan. The result was amazing. It was sweet, a little saucy- but perhaps a bit too much. So, the next night, I happened to be at the grocery store and picked up some more ground beef. I did the same to this, but with a bit less of everything, then mixed it with the leftovers from the previous evening. I served it on some toasted sour dough bread- it was delicious! The milder form of the beef gave it just the right temperament and the sour dough added just the right amount of kick.

Strawberry Dessert Cups
This was my dessert for our Lifegroup meeting. I had scoured blogs, books, websites, etc., for over a week trying to find a recipe that fit what I wanted to do all to no avail. So, I decided to make my own. After going through several ideas, talking them through with multiple people, I finally decided on what is to follow. I must warn, this became a massive undertaking- almost 6 hours of work. This was partly because (as to my recollection) I have never worked with phyllo dough before.
I started by making 4-sheet thick phyllo cups, making sure to spread melted butter and lightly sprinkle sugar inbetween each sheet. Several attempts utilizing different cups, sizes, shapes, etc. I settled on my muffin tin. This later became a time saver as I was able to bake a dozen at a time. Then I melted semi-sweet baking chocolate squares and poured it into the bottom of each cup- just thin enough to coat the bottom. And for decoration I drizzled some on the edges of the cups. These I refrigerated overnight. Then the next evening I sliced strawberries galore and layered them in the cups. Beat up some fresh sweetened whipped cream and piped it onto the strawberries.
The result: Though many hours of work- the dessert cups were described as a "taste of Heaven" and would "surely be served at the Lord's table".

I have a few leftover phyllo "cups" - ones from my first attempts before utilizing my muffin pan. I mixed up some cream cheese, almond extract and powdered sugar then layered some sliced strawberries- scrumptious!

I'm All Shook Up...

Just after 4:30 this morning, I was rudely awoken by a pounding and a shaking. In my groggy haze, it seemed as though someone was in the attic above my apartment jumping up and down, causing my entire apartment to shake. I was quite irritated and on the verge of yelling out to this phantom that people were trying to sleep. But before I could muster the alertness to put together a comprehensible sentence, it stopped. So, I rolled over and went back to sleep, mumbling about the rudeness of some people.

Fast forward about 2 hours. I'm in the bathroom getting ready for work, earlier events almost forgotten and passed off as a probable dream. I have my tv on to the morning news as I always do, when they start talking about all the emails and phone calls they had been receiving about the earthquake. I walked out to my living room, confused as to what they were actually talking about. Then they laid out all the details of this 5.4 earthquake that hit Southern Illinois just after 4:30 this morning. Suddenly, the light bulb above my head bursts into brightness and the dots connect. There wasn't a rude person that somehow made it into the attic above my apartment and was jumping up and down... it was an earthquake.

I can now say that I have been in an earthquake. Something I would have been totally fine with never being able to say...

A Conversation Among Friends...

We (several friends and I) had a beautiful day yesterday. The weather was perfect as we visited Cheekwood Botanical Gardens (perhaps I'll post some pics later), viewing and smelling spring flowers and enjoying the company. Afterwards, we picked up some smoothies and went to a nearby park. During the course of our afternoon, the following conversation occured:

(Please note, this memory is about 20 hours old, so quotes might not be exact.)

Me: While shopping in the mall yesterday, you will not believe what we saw!

Expectant looks around.

Me: In The Limited, they were selling stirrup pants!!!

From several others: No Way! You've got to be kidding! Ewww! etc...

Friend #1: (sarcastically) I'm just waiting for them to bring back body suits.

Friend #2: (this is a guy, of course) What's a body suit?

Friend #3: It's like a leotard.

Friend #1: It's a shirt with snaps... (long pause...) on the bottom...

Needless to say, we sat for a moment in questionable silence, then burst out laughing.

Midnight Rendezvous...

Everyone has heard of TP-ing. Most people have heard of Fork-ing. But have you ever heard of Peep-ing?

Tonight was a trip back to high school...

It all started innocently enough with my friend Christen's show. Way to go, Girl!


Afterwards, we all hung out at Philip's (thanks for the hospitality!) and laughed till our sides hurt. But what happens when people hang out until the wee hours of the morning? They tend to get crazy ideas...

We got the idea from a friend who's done it before. It's called Peep-ing. It is the Easter version of TP-ing or Fork-ing. And it truly was a trip back to high school, for when we stopped at a gas station to buy the plasticware, the guy behind the counter (who didn't look any older than us) said he remembered what it was like to be in high school. We all laughed. The youngest among us is 25!
(Due to the rain we are experiencing, we combined it with the plasticware tradition.)




But we had fun leaving a special message for our Executive Pastor and his wife:


Can you tell what it is?


PS: No names are listed to protect the (not so) innocent... ;-)

Class...

My adrenaline starts to pulse and my heart begins to pound harder and faster. And so far, all I've done is stretching. But the anticipation of what is to come energizes me. The exertion, the sweat, the pain. I feel electrified. Deep breaths; in through the nose out through the mouth. It's too early to be this worked up. We're only halfway through the warm up. Stay calm. He glances my way and my already animated heart gives an extra flutter. But no distractions are allowed. It is time to focus. Working our way down the floor, we pulverize the air with strong fluid movements. Yelling a rhythmic beat as we take the next pass. Droplets begin to chart their course down my face. I wipe them away, longing for a cool breeze or cold water to dampen the flame of heat that has washed over me. Now, the bag is in front of us, gleaming red. We move, stepping, sliding, turning until contact is made with all the force we possess. The stand tips precariously back. Then in seeming slow-motion it rights itself with a boom of thunder. On and on the storm rages. A strike of lightening, a yell of rage, the boom of thunder, the whispered breath of frustration. It moves on. To the corner I am sent, the mat squishing beneath my feet. Moving with grace and precision, the form takes shape. A turn to the left, then to the right; striking out at the imaginary foe. Very good, the master says, now close your eyes. The movements come again, this time in a swirl of darkness. As I return to the first, breathing deeply, a stripe is added to the growing rainbow of achievement. Line up! The command is barked and we rush to where it all began. We bow in reverence and gratitude. A sigh rushes across the room as we exit the small arena. Water quenches the scorching thirst that has grown over the last hour. A shrug relaxes the tense knot in my shoulders. He flashes me a smile with good tidings for the night. I suppress the giggle that wells within me as I return a shy smile. But shake my head at my own silliness as I gather my belongings and head towards my car.

My heart...

My heart is heavy.
My sword too much to bear.
Will this fight ever end?

I look to the skies
for relief and reprieve.
But my cries are unanswered.

So, on I trudge.
One foot in front of the other.
How long must I go on?

I long for peace.
I long for joy.
My Love, please carry me.

Will You Marry Me...?

Happy Leap Year/Day Everyone!

In celebration of this auspicious Sadie Hawkins holiday: to all my single guy friends: Will you marry me?

Now I completely understand if you say no, but in return I expect you to pay at least one traditional "fine" for your refusal. These can include:
- a kiss
- a 1-pound note (English currency or American $ equivalent)
- a silk gown
- 12 pairs of gloves

I don't have much use for the silk gown or 12 pairs of gloves, but a kiss would do. Or if you're too embarrassed, I will gladly accept money.

However you choose, celebrate today with a little joie de vivre!

(Information source- Wikipedia)

Hunt of a Journey...

I recently passed the one-year anniversary of my move to Nashville and the one-year mark at my job. One year. Wow. It has gone quickly. What do I have to show for it? I guess that I survived. Survived a year of introductions, directions, unfamiliarity, loneliness, newness, etc. What have I gained? New friends, new "family", a community, more independence...

For anyone who may read this blog faithfully or talk to me on a regular basis, you will know that I have struggled with my job since I started. I have many times spoken of the daily harassment I endure from my unscrupulous boss. I have searched for jobs, somewhat half-heartedly, and even interviewed. But I just couldn't take the plunge. Call it a lack of courage or over-abundance of fear or plain old apathy; whatever the excuse, I wasn't going anywhere. Part of me thought that this was really where I was supposed to be. Perhaps this was a test I was to undergo to prove .... what?

But a new fervor has awoken inside me. I again have desire and passion to succeed. To thrive instead of just survive. I am job hunting again. In fact, I have already sent out my resume. It is time (well past time actually) that I stand up for me. That I continue my journey down the path that is laid before me and stop inhibiting the progress.

Pray for me, please.

La vraie pauvreté est celle de l'âme, une pauvreté dans laquelle le mental est toujours dans un tourbillon créé par les doutes, les soucis et les craintes.
Real poverty is that of the soul, a poverty in which the mental is forever a whirlwind, created by doubts, worries, and fears. --Swâmi Râmdâs (Quoted on French-Word-A-Day)

V-day to Remember...

Last night was the first time in several years that I went out for Valentine's day. Now don't get too excited- it wasn't a date. A friend, Philip, organized a group outing, Valentine's Sucks: Dinner & a Movie. But by the end of our joyful evening, not one of those in attendance was saying that Valentine's sucks. Even singles can have fun on the dreaded holiday.

We started the evening at Pie in the Sky, a swanky pizza place in Cool Springs. We had the party room all to ourselves with a wonderful server. We talked, we laughed, we ate great food. My friend, Bria, even had a game with a pound of Starbucks coffee beans as the prize- we had to share a memorable Valentine's story and then we all voted for the best story. I actually won with a story from college about a special rose I received from a friend. I'm looking forward to the coffee!

We had time to kill before heading to the theater, so a few of the girls went to Starbucks. Gotta love Starbucks!

Then off to the movie theater for a 945 showing of Step Up 2 the streets. The movie itself was a little cheesy, but the dancing in it was incredible. It blows my mind how they get their bodies to move like that. The soundtrack was also good- and I'm not much into hiphop. We had fun making fun of the movie and even danced in our seats at the end.

Though I didn't get home til after midnight and am thoroughly exhausted today, it was all worth it. I had a lot of fun. I even let loose the reins and was a bit crazy most of the night. But that's good- crazy times are needed now and again. And I can certainly say that I had a memorable Valentine's day...

What do you Mean I have to share...?

By most technicalities, I grew up as an only child. Though I have a brother and sister now (whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for anything), I spent many years by myself and never really learned to share. This trait has followed me throughout my life, even into adulthood. Of course I have been aware of it and have tried to compensate for it. But I find that I tend to sway between the extremes. I either want my way or I refuse to give an opinion. The only time I've shared a room was my freshman year at college. I did have a roommate for awhile post-college, but we had a large place and each had our own areas. I am happy to lend a DVD or book, but it better not be for very long and you better be sure to return my copy to me. And don't get me started on sharing the bathroom...

Now that I am on my own again (ie, no roommate), my non-sharing, my-way-or-highway attitude has gained strength and seems to be growing yet. I've been toying with the idea of a roommate again just to help with costs, but consistently find myself turning down prospects because I would have to store some of my stuff and share space. I have some friends that have been spending time with others (without me) and I get jealous because I want them all to myself. There is even the possibility (a strong possibility) that I have had reservations about intimate relationships just because I might have to share part of my life and existence with them.

I may forever be a loner. It's not that I don't know how to share; it just causes me great pain and energy to do it. Could I but snap my fingers and be a different person... but alas, I think I may just like this part of me...

Then again, maybe I just need to grow up.

A Year...

It is 2008. Supposedly the year of new beginnings- or so people have been telling me. Can a year actually "be" something? Can a year be good, bad, or whatever? I'm not so sure that a year can take on one quality. By doing so, are you not ignoring all the days, hours, moments that don't fit that quality? I was trying to qualify my 2007 during a conversation with some friends. The first words that popped into my head were hard, lonely. But not every day was difficult, in fact there were some wonderful days. And not every day was I alone. So, as each year that has come before, 2007 was a year of many things. Some good, some not so good, some down-right awful and some absolutely wonderful... I believe 2008 will also be a year of many things. Adventures that are yet to come...

Nous appellerons émotion une chute brusque de la conscience dans le magique.
We will call emotion the sudden plunge of consciousness into magic.
--Jean-Paul Sartre

J'ai vu un ange dans le marbre et j'ai ciselé jusqu'à l'en libérer.
I saw the angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free.
-–Michelangelo
(Both quoted on French-Word-A-Day)

What's in a Name...?

Below are two blogthing results. The first is for my real name- Heather. Pretty accurate, if you know me at all. The second is my new name given to me by my new Other family (see blog below)- Heidi. Also pretty accurate and a lot the same. Interesting...? I think so!

What Heather Means

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

What Heidi Means

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Would you agree?
Test your name... How does it measure up?