Holidays=Stress?

It's that time of year again- the Holiday Season. It is supposed to be the season of perpetual peace and joy. Why then are we driven into a frenzy that would rival Walmart on Black Friday? Why have we allowed this season to become the most difficult time of the year?

I am dealing with many personal stresses this year. Some I have put upon myself, some I have chosen, and some I feel are not within my power to say no. I chose to bake 6 different kinds of cookies. I chose to go above and beyond in my Christmas shopping. And it is my decision to accept each of the invitations I have received for different holiday events. But I also have strained relationships between family members that I got caught in the middle of and am trying to keep good connections with. Certain events I am committed to have overlapped in scheduling, bringing out the nascar driver within me (both in the car and out). And what can you do about work and other normal events that are still occurring?

I long for a simpler time when everyone gathered together for one day. Each person brought something so preparations didn't fall to one person. Decorations were created as part of the day's activities. Gifts were shared around the circle equally. It was a time of love and community. A time to enjoy the company of others in a relaxed, inviting, unhurried environment. These were holidays of days gone by, when perpetual love and peace seemed to truly exist.

All that aside, I still look forward to Christmas every year: Of course the food is the best of the year and the warmth of hot cocoa fills me with cheer; Christmas music-oh how it makes me smile; who can argue that presents aren't wonderful; the twinkling lights tickle my fancy; and friends and family gathering near is the best gift of all!

Happy Turkey Day!

Happy Thanksgiving!
I hope everyone is enjoying the feast-ive holiday. I am excitedly anticipating the delicious meal we will shortly be partaking as the heavenly aroma of turkey and other fixin's drift down the hallway to my family's den. I will soon be fighting my brother and sister for rights to a turkey leg and investing my time in eating the best meal of the year. I can't wait!
Yesterday was also a wonderful day as I was able to spend some time with my small group girls home for the holiday. I cannot express enough how much I have missed them this fall (as stated many times) and it brought over-flowing joy to my heart to see them and share in their ever-changing lives.
Tomorrow is also a very special day for me and my mom. It is Black Friday. Every year (even when we don't see anything of interest in the ads) we awake long before dawn to rush to the stores, fight the maddening crowds, and purchase things that we really could live without. Thanksgiving day is spent cooking and perusing the newspaper ads. We've also looked online in preparation. We want to be fully prepared for what the day has to offer. Usually our first stop is JCPenney, if only to receive a Disney snowglobe. We have been receiving them every year since they began to give them out and I proudly display my consecutive collection every year at Christmas. Then we head to Younkers, Walmart and Target; ads in hand, battle plan ready, and a strict list of everything we want. We attack the store without mercy, quickly finding each item on our list, throwing them into the cart and rushing to the next item. Then, when we have everything we originally came for, we casually stroll through the store to see if we missed anything and to evaluate whether we are truly going to purchase everything we've picked up. Once final decisions have been made, we head to the checkout and on to the next store for the same melee. Though absolutely crazy, it's one of my favorite days of the year and one of my favorite traditions. We've even begun to train my sister in the art of Black Friday shopping!
The dinner bell has rung; I'm rushing off to our Thanksgiving meal! Happy Thanksgiving & Happy Turkey Day! And for those of you who are as crazy as my family- Happy Black Friday!

Update?

I haven't had much time to write recently. Usually I do my writing at work during the down times, but there haven't been any lately. I've also struggled with what to write. There has been a lot of not so good things going on in my life and around me, yet I don't want my blog to turn into a whine-fest or a complaint board. I want it to remain as positive as possible. But for those of you who get the privilege (if you can call it that) of listening to my vents or verbal processing you'll understand that at times like the recent, it's very difficult for me to find or focus upon anything positive. I just now caught up on several friends' blogs and it's great to hear what's happening in their lives, especially when I don't get to see them very often. So, I thought I also better post, but like I said, I'm not sure what else to talk about.
Work's been crazy busy. We had our Great Pumpkin Party last week- the largest event of the year. Over 3000 people came through the doors of our church and we were here til after 12:30 am cleaning up as much as we could. We have many more events and projects on the horizon, so it is not really slowing down at all. But I am grateful for a very supportive boss who takes me into consideration every time before the job.
Some good news on the family front: My family went to a college fair and my brother and sister both found Christian colleges that they will be adding to their list of potential applications. I'm very excited for them as they approach this next stage in life. But I must admit, it makes me feel kinda old. I still call them my little brother and sister!
I'm planning some get-togethers with my small group girls from last year, and that brings over-flowing joy to my soul! I miss them all SO much. It will be GREAT to see all of them and get updates on life. (Email can only share so much)
Oh, one last thing before I go. My friend, Travis, blogged about getting back in touch with an old friend and thought I'd share a somewhat similar experience. A couple of weeks ago, a long-lost friend of mine sent me a friend request on my Myspace page. I was very surprised; we haven't talked in at least 2 years. I also remember looking him up (along with several other long-lost friends) when I first started my Myspace and didn't find him. It was only a friend request, no messages attached, but it was still nice to hear from him. But it also opens a big door of curiosity...So, friend, if you read this, I've got questions...
Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend, especially those of you enjoying some island-time. I'll be back soon...

Fairy Tales

I awoke this morning with a familiar song playing through my mind. It brought peace and was a wonderful reminder that there is more yet to come for me and to anyone who believes:

...Have faith in your dreams and someday
your rainbow will come shining through.
No matter how your heart is grieving,
if you keep on believing,
the dream that you wish will come true.
~Cinderella~

I realize that it comes from a fairy tale/Disney movie, but it still speaks to my heart. I still believe in fairy tales. I hope I believe in them until the day I take my last breath. Fairy tales can come true. But there are important things to remember: most fairy tales do not turn out as expected. Their happy endings do not just happen, the heroes and heroines must prove they are worthy of their "happily ever after". They must endure trials, hardship and many times isolation. Great growth can occur if their faith is sure and steady. They must endure to achieve, persevere to profit.
As many adversities appear on my path, I will cling to these words. I know that my "happily ever after" is coming. I may not have the opportunity to appreciate it while I inhabit the earth, but someday I will enjoy my eternal happy ending.

Appreciation!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! A giant THANK YOU goes to Brandon Barker for assisting me in updating my blog with links and a wonderful picture of the Eiffel Tower. In all honesty, I shouldn't say assisting- he did it all. (I didn't realize it would take HTML knowledge, of which I have none.) So, Thank you Brandon. I am appreciative, grateful, indebted, much obliged, delighted and beholden.

Survivor Family

Last Thursday was the kick-off of Survivor. I can no longer be called a Survivor rookie. I have now loyally watched two seasons- the second of which I picked the winner for (thank you Aras!)
Every Thursday night during Survivor seasons, we gather at the Barkers house. Karla makes amazing home-cooked meals, something we singletons LOVE! Brandon will grill and engage us in interesting topics of conversation. Now, the past two seasons, it was only the Barkers, Jennifer, Monica for the first, and myself. This past week with the start of the new season, there were a lot of people there- Jon and his wife Kelly came later, Travis, Jeremy, Eric and of course the kids Grace, Seth, and Jayla (sp?). We filled the basement as we crowded around the television to cheer on our favorite players. We (or should I say mostly me) got shushed by Brandon every few minutes, as talking is NOT allowed! A wonderful time was had by all- or at least it seemed so.
I personally look forward to each Thursday night. It doesn't seem to matter how tired I am, I always get excited as I'm driving to the Barker's house. Though I have learned to enjoy the show, this is not my real reason for going; I never watched before joining everyone there. I wanted some fellowship, some friends that I could share laughter and tears with. What I got though was so much more than that- I got a family. They are my Survivor family. We are an odd bunch, much stranger than the weirdest of normal families, but we are still family. And as Brandon says, "Family sticks together." Even when their Survivor pick has been kicked off and the rookie's has won!

New experiences

Had a new experience last week. I was introduced to the game Killer Bunnies. If you haven't experienced this game- you need to! At first I will admit it seems long and extremely complicated, but once you get into it, it's a blast! Barkers taught me how to play; they own all the available decks. When we first started, I had an amazing helper, Grace. She explained cards, told me which were the good ones and tried to help me pick which cards I should play. But her assistance was interrupted by bedtime. Karla was also a valuable resource throughout the game. Almost every time I got a new card I had to lean over and ask what the card did, if I could use it, how I should use it, etc. She was ever patient and helpful, even while trying to play hostess to the rowdy bunch of us, put her children to bed and play her own cards.
One interesting thing I did learn while playing this game, you get the opportunity to see different sides of people's characters than you normally would. For example, Brandon is very mischievious, almost evil sometimes; he is very cut-throat. Jennifer tries to play sweetly and apologizes when she has to kill your bunny. Travis likes to make jokes. These, of course, are only my observations. Hopefully, none of you will get mad at me.
Anyway, I truly hope to play the game again sometime soon! It brought a smile to my face and laughter to my heart!

Time? What's that?! ...and other quandries

Wow, it has been a long time since I've blogged. For those of you still checking, I am still here. I have been very, very busy. Hence, part of the title. Time. What is time? Obviously something I haven't had lately. Fall is the busiest time at work plus you've got the kick off of everything else too. Maybe it seems busier because I haven't had nearly as much going on during the summer? No Sunday, Wednesday or Thursday night activities. No lessons. Students were too busy and were leaving for college. No regular youth. Only one large event to plan for work. Now I'm trying (notice the word trying) to coordinate 3 large events. High school Gathering started Sunday. Pledge groups start tonight. Lessons started last week. Survivor starts tomorrow. And now I'm considering taking a theology class that meets every Thursday morning at 6 am. Yes, I know everyone is busy too. I'm not complaining or whining, just stating the facts of my current life.

As I mentioned, Pledge groups (our high school small groups) start tonight. I'm sorta nervous. I'll be starting with a new group tonight- juniors. I don't know who is going to be in my group yet. I've been praying that God will bring just the right girls. Which, I am completely trusting He will. I'm also sad. I'm VERY sad because I miss my girls, the girls I had for the last two years. They have all graduated and are at college now. From reading their blogs, it seems they are all doing well; I never doubted they would. But I miss each of them terribly. And I'm feeling that sadness especially stong tonight. I know that this new group of girls will be just as special- in their own way of course. But also, no one will ever be able to replace my first girls. It's like your first love. Nothing is ever quite the same after that.

I've been reading a new book, Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. I'm not very far into it yet, but my initial reaction has been, "Wow!" He verbalizes many of the thoughts and questions that have been roaming through my head for years. The experiences and stories he shares are so real and show faith in a fresh light. If any of you have read it, I would love to hear your feedback. Did you enjoy it? Did you agree with him? I could see this book, at least from what I've read so far, causing somewhat of a controversy. I was raised in the church, been going longer than I can remember. One thing that has always bothered me is the way people in the congregation seem to take the messages from the pulpit as the final word. They don't question or search for themselves to discover what they truly believe. Miller says (this is a thought he struggled with while searching for his true beliefs within his faith), "I couldn't give myself to Christianity because it was a religion for the intellectually naive." (pg. 31) I have thought this myself at times. Jesus questioned the leaders during His time on earth- why can't we question ours? I'm not saying be disrespectful or try to debate over everything they say, but ponder what they say. Read for yourselves what the Bible actually says about the matter. Discover for yourself whether you agree or not. Miller does this. He's questioning the church and some religious practices. Maybe I'm not understanding all of what he's saying, or perhaps I haven't found the point of his book yet. But he is still speaking out loud thoughts I've been too afraid to verbalize. I'll keep reading. For me he's been inspiring and freeing. I don't feel quite so crazy for some of the questions and observations I've had.

Random Trains of Thoughts?

If this seems somewhat random, don't say I didn't warn you. I've been random all week and it only seems to be getting worse, not better.

This week has not been the best week, especially at work. I've struggled with strong feelings of disappointment, rejection, mistrust and even anger. I've spent hours crying, yelling, scribbling madly in my journal, reading my Bible, praying and fitfully trying to sleep all in an atempt to realign my center with God and find peace through Him. I know we go through valleys and times of frustration, but all week long I cried out for relief. The thing is, if I had only lifted my eyes to truly look around me and not focus on all the negative feelings I was dealing with, I would have realized that God was still working and moving. There were some good things that happened, things that were positive. They were small and brief, but as soon as I saw them, relief came- enough to keep me going. But even now, after full realization of the truth has come (or at least what I think is full realization) I continue to find it difficult to focus on and even seek out those small glimpses of the movement of the Spirit.

Though contrary to some observations, I am really not an extroverted type person. In fact, in personality tests, I score very high, if not exclusively, as an introvert. This has naturally sometimes hindered my social life. Most often it doesn't bother me, I can amuse myself quite easily. But lately I have found myself wondering if I do something wrong that keeps me from being invited. ( I suppose the above paragraph doesn't help.) When I see people in similar life stages as myself, people whom I believe I could be good friends with, getting together to go to the movies or to go out to dinner, calling each other to talk about something, etc. and they talk about it right in front of me, but yet I'm not invited. I tend to start questioning things: Do I smell? Am I whining or complaining about too many things? Am I being grumpy too often? Is there something about me that makes me not fun to be with? If any of these things were true, I wish someone would tell me. Honestly, I wish only to improve my present state of being. So, I give you open permission to tell me! If there isn't anything wrong, then why am I not invited? I am realistic, I don't expect to be invited to everything, but if you have a group going, what is one more person? If you call me your friend in one place, does that make me not your friend in another? Some people might question why I don't ask people. The thing is, I do. I suppose I could try more, but it quickly becomes frustrating and rejection and disappointment begin to win when you are turned down more than once or when you've been the fifth wheel for the umpteenth time. Maybe you're thinking why don't I go find new friends? Again, there is something behind that as well and when presented with an opportunity I try to make the most of it. But please remember the beginning of this paragraph, I am an introvert, it is hard for me to put myself out there. Also, I am where God has placed me right now. That means I am in the lives of those around me for a reason, just as they are in my life for a reason. I don't know...maybe I'm putting too much stock in what people think of me. But I can say I am tired of Always sitting at home.

On a different note: So many changes have been happening around here (at work). I'm somewhat excited to think that I could soon be a part of them. I don't know what's heading down the pike toward me, but I can tell big changes are approaching. Not necessarily directly related to work, but they possibly could. I will keep you posted...

I would like to continue traveling through the different cars on this Train of Thoughts, but I am out of time for now. Perhaps more another day.

Stereotypes: True or False?

Yesterday I read a book by Kristen Billerbeck. I found myself enraptured to the point where I could not stop reading and ended up reading the entire book. When I finished, I asked myself what had kept me glued to those pages. Though I can't be completely sure, the best reason I came up with was the struggles and life-circumstances of the lead character and how much they sounded an awful lot like my own struggles and circumstances. Of course the details didn't match, but the general idea was there.

This got me wondering... The book focused on a single gal, her life, her friends, her single group at church, etc. Are singles, and especially Christian singles, so stereotypical that we can be pegged within a few pages of a book? Are our lives so predictable that we've lost our uniqueness? And if this is true, the question then presents itself of why? Is it just our stage of life? We all fall into similar patterns until we either get married or become completely career oriented? To me, this just cannot be! God has not lost His creativity, why should our life patterns not reflect this and be full of creativity?! We should not allow culture or society govern and direct our paths. We should chart our own through the will of God.

Personally, I am tired of conforming to society's whims. I don't want to be typical. I don't want to be just another statistic. Though it will be difficult, I'm going to try and chart my own course (with God's help of course.) I want to discover/rediscover the creativity of God within my life, the unique woman He created me to be.

Life must go on...

This afternoon, while out and about, I ran into one of my girls from my pledge group. (For those of you that don't know, I have been a pledge group or small group leader for the Student Ministry at my church for the past two years.) It was so wonderful to see her! I miss my girls very much. We had grown pretty close over the past couple of years and now they are all leaving me behind as they venture off to college. I am excited as they continue their journies down life's path, but they will always hold a very special place in my heart. They were my girls.
We shared many special times, especially over Dr. Seuss (wink, wink)!
But, seeing my girl was just another reminder of how life must always move on. I realize that we live in a very transient society and the age/state of life that I am in tends to be even more so. I know that I won't stay here forever either, and I could never expect that from anyone else. God moves us on, showing us new pathways, new prospects, new plans, new possibilities. When He prods us forward, we must answer His call and move forward. Sometimes it will hurt, as we must leave those we love behind, but the reward will always be greater!

Yesterday, I had to say good-bye for now to two very dear friends. Brandon & Abbey are moving to Chicago. In fact, they are probably loading their U-Haul as I am typing this. I am excited to see where the Lord leads them, as I know He has great plans for them. But I am also sad to see them go. They have had a big impact on so many people's lives, including my own. I earnestly hope and pray that our paths will cross again someday.
Last night, Sara, Jennifer, Abbey and I went out for coffee for one last chance to share in each other's lives as they have been. It put me into a very reflective mood. I got home and decided to process through these thoughts by writing in my journal. An hour and a half later, page after page of thoughts, and an entire gel pen of ink used, I'm not sure I am any farther than I was. I truly enjoy writing in my journal and I used to do it frequently. Now, due to my schedule, I tend to be inconsistent. I struggle to find the meaning that it used to, though I still benefit from its use. I can write and write, page after page, and it seems to be nothing but nonsense, selfish ramblings. I know movies are not reality, but sometimes I think I am waiting for my journal entries to be like those of Sabrina's boss from the 90's version of Sabrina. "Everyday, I sat in a cafe, I drank coffee and I wrote nonsense in a journal. Then suddenly, it was not nonsense." (I apologize if my quote is not exact as I am quoting it from memory.) I never used to think that what I wrote was nonsense, but recently, that's all I seem to spew forth. Is that all journals are really for? To spew forth selfish nonsense? Have I held them in too idealistic of a position within my mind? I don't plan on quitting or giving up. I will continue to strive to find meaning and purpose in the words that I scribble. Someday, it will not be nonsense!

I don't know why I have started this blog. Probably due to the old adage, "Everyone else is doing it!" I've seen its benefits; offering friends and family a quick and simple way to keep tabs on what's happening in your life. I've also seen the pitfalls; strangers able to see personal thoughts, loss of personal touch with people you may have otherwise had an actual conversation with, etc. I can't promise I'll be able to keep up with this as well as others that I know, but I will do my best. I'll become a computer junky yet, as I now have two emails, a myspace and a blog. Well, what can you do...