Random Trains of Thoughts?

If this seems somewhat random, don't say I didn't warn you. I've been random all week and it only seems to be getting worse, not better.

This week has not been the best week, especially at work. I've struggled with strong feelings of disappointment, rejection, mistrust and even anger. I've spent hours crying, yelling, scribbling madly in my journal, reading my Bible, praying and fitfully trying to sleep all in an atempt to realign my center with God and find peace through Him. I know we go through valleys and times of frustration, but all week long I cried out for relief. The thing is, if I had only lifted my eyes to truly look around me and not focus on all the negative feelings I was dealing with, I would have realized that God was still working and moving. There were some good things that happened, things that were positive. They were small and brief, but as soon as I saw them, relief came- enough to keep me going. But even now, after full realization of the truth has come (or at least what I think is full realization) I continue to find it difficult to focus on and even seek out those small glimpses of the movement of the Spirit.

Though contrary to some observations, I am really not an extroverted type person. In fact, in personality tests, I score very high, if not exclusively, as an introvert. This has naturally sometimes hindered my social life. Most often it doesn't bother me, I can amuse myself quite easily. But lately I have found myself wondering if I do something wrong that keeps me from being invited. ( I suppose the above paragraph doesn't help.) When I see people in similar life stages as myself, people whom I believe I could be good friends with, getting together to go to the movies or to go out to dinner, calling each other to talk about something, etc. and they talk about it right in front of me, but yet I'm not invited. I tend to start questioning things: Do I smell? Am I whining or complaining about too many things? Am I being grumpy too often? Is there something about me that makes me not fun to be with? If any of these things were true, I wish someone would tell me. Honestly, I wish only to improve my present state of being. So, I give you open permission to tell me! If there isn't anything wrong, then why am I not invited? I am realistic, I don't expect to be invited to everything, but if you have a group going, what is one more person? If you call me your friend in one place, does that make me not your friend in another? Some people might question why I don't ask people. The thing is, I do. I suppose I could try more, but it quickly becomes frustrating and rejection and disappointment begin to win when you are turned down more than once or when you've been the fifth wheel for the umpteenth time. Maybe you're thinking why don't I go find new friends? Again, there is something behind that as well and when presented with an opportunity I try to make the most of it. But please remember the beginning of this paragraph, I am an introvert, it is hard for me to put myself out there. Also, I am where God has placed me right now. That means I am in the lives of those around me for a reason, just as they are in my life for a reason. I don't know...maybe I'm putting too much stock in what people think of me. But I can say I am tired of Always sitting at home.

On a different note: So many changes have been happening around here (at work). I'm somewhat excited to think that I could soon be a part of them. I don't know what's heading down the pike toward me, but I can tell big changes are approaching. Not necessarily directly related to work, but they possibly could. I will keep you posted...

I would like to continue traveling through the different cars on this Train of Thoughts, but I am out of time for now. Perhaps more another day.