Friday, July 28, 2006

Random Trains of Thoughts?

If this seems somewhat random, don't say I didn't warn you. I've been random all week and it only seems to be getting worse, not better.

This week has not been the best week, especially at work. I've struggled with strong feelings of disappointment, rejection, mistrust and even anger. I've spent hours crying, yelling, scribbling madly in my journal, reading my Bible, praying and fitfully trying to sleep all in an atempt to realign my center with God and find peace through Him. I know we go through valleys and times of frustration, but all week long I cried out for relief. The thing is, if I had only lifted my eyes to truly look around me and not focus on all the negative feelings I was dealing with, I would have realized that God was still working and moving. There were some good things that happened, things that were positive. They were small and brief, but as soon as I saw them, relief came- enough to keep me going. But even now, after full realization of the truth has come (or at least what I think is full realization) I continue to find it difficult to focus on and even seek out those small glimpses of the movement of the Spirit.

Though contrary to some observations, I am really not an extroverted type person. In fact, in personality tests, I score very high, if not exclusively, as an introvert. This has naturally sometimes hindered my social life. Most often it doesn't bother me, I can amuse myself quite easily. But lately I have found myself wondering if I do something wrong that keeps me from being invited. ( I suppose the above paragraph doesn't help.) When I see people in similar life stages as myself, people whom I believe I could be good friends with, getting together to go to the movies or to go out to dinner, calling each other to talk about something, etc. and they talk about it right in front of me, but yet I'm not invited. I tend to start questioning things: Do I smell? Am I whining or complaining about too many things? Am I being grumpy too often? Is there something about me that makes me not fun to be with? If any of these things were true, I wish someone would tell me. Honestly, I wish only to improve my present state of being. So, I give you open permission to tell me! If there isn't anything wrong, then why am I not invited? I am realistic, I don't expect to be invited to everything, but if you have a group going, what is one more person? If you call me your friend in one place, does that make me not your friend in another? Some people might question why I don't ask people. The thing is, I do. I suppose I could try more, but it quickly becomes frustrating and rejection and disappointment begin to win when you are turned down more than once or when you've been the fifth wheel for the umpteenth time. Maybe you're thinking why don't I go find new friends? Again, there is something behind that as well and when presented with an opportunity I try to make the most of it. But please remember the beginning of this paragraph, I am an introvert, it is hard for me to put myself out there. Also, I am where God has placed me right now. That means I am in the lives of those around me for a reason, just as they are in my life for a reason. I don't know...maybe I'm putting too much stock in what people think of me. But I can say I am tired of Always sitting at home.

On a different note: So many changes have been happening around here (at work). I'm somewhat excited to think that I could soon be a part of them. I don't know what's heading down the pike toward me, but I can tell big changes are approaching. Not necessarily directly related to work, but they possibly could. I will keep you posted...

I would like to continue traveling through the different cars on this Train of Thoughts, but I am out of time for now. Perhaps more another day.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Stereotypes: True or False?

Yesterday I read a book by Kristen Billerbeck. I found myself enraptured to the point where I could not stop reading and ended up reading the entire book. When I finished, I asked myself what had kept me glued to those pages. Though I can't be completely sure, the best reason I came up with was the struggles and life-circumstances of the lead character and how much they sounded an awful lot like my own struggles and circumstances. Of course the details didn't match, but the general idea was there.

This got me wondering... The book focused on a single gal, her life, her friends, her single group at church, etc. Are singles, and especially Christian singles, so stereotypical that we can be pegged within a few pages of a book? Are our lives so predictable that we've lost our uniqueness? And if this is true, the question then presents itself of why? Is it just our stage of life? We all fall into similar patterns until we either get married or become completely career oriented? To me, this just cannot be! God has not lost His creativity, why should our life patterns not reflect this and be full of creativity?! We should not allow culture or society govern and direct our paths. We should chart our own through the will of God.

Personally, I am tired of conforming to society's whims. I don't want to be typical. I don't want to be just another statistic. Though it will be difficult, I'm going to try and chart my own course (with God's help of course.) I want to discover/rediscover the creativity of God within my life, the unique woman He created me to be.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Life must go on...

This afternoon, while out and about, I ran into one of my girls from my pledge group. (For those of you that don't know, I have been a pledge group or small group leader for the Student Ministry at my church for the past two years.) It was so wonderful to see her! I miss my girls very much. We had grown pretty close over the past couple of years and now they are all leaving me behind as they venture off to college. I am excited as they continue their journies down life's path, but they will always hold a very special place in my heart. They were my girls.
We shared many special times, especially over Dr. Seuss (wink, wink)!
But, seeing my girl was just another reminder of how life must always move on. I realize that we live in a very transient society and the age/state of life that I am in tends to be even more so. I know that I won't stay here forever either, and I could never expect that from anyone else. God moves us on, showing us new pathways, new prospects, new plans, new possibilities. When He prods us forward, we must answer His call and move forward. Sometimes it will hurt, as we must leave those we love behind, but the reward will always be greater!

Friday, July 14, 2006

Yesterday, I had to say good-bye for now to two very dear friends. Brandon & Abbey are moving to Chicago. In fact, they are probably loading their U-Haul as I am typing this. I am excited to see where the Lord leads them, as I know He has great plans for them. But I am also sad to see them go. They have had a big impact on so many people's lives, including my own. I earnestly hope and pray that our paths will cross again someday.
Last night, Sara, Jennifer, Abbey and I went out for coffee for one last chance to share in each other's lives as they have been. It put me into a very reflective mood. I got home and decided to process through these thoughts by writing in my journal. An hour and a half later, page after page of thoughts, and an entire gel pen of ink used, I'm not sure I am any farther than I was. I truly enjoy writing in my journal and I used to do it frequently. Now, due to my schedule, I tend to be inconsistent. I struggle to find the meaning that it used to, though I still benefit from its use. I can write and write, page after page, and it seems to be nothing but nonsense, selfish ramblings. I know movies are not reality, but sometimes I think I am waiting for my journal entries to be like those of Sabrina's boss from the 90's version of Sabrina. "Everyday, I sat in a cafe, I drank coffee and I wrote nonsense in a journal. Then suddenly, it was not nonsense." (I apologize if my quote is not exact as I am quoting it from memory.) I never used to think that what I wrote was nonsense, but recently, that's all I seem to spew forth. Is that all journals are really for? To spew forth selfish nonsense? Have I held them in too idealistic of a position within my mind? I don't plan on quitting or giving up. I will continue to strive to find meaning and purpose in the words that I scribble. Someday, it will not be nonsense!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I don't know why I have started this blog. Probably due to the old adage, "Everyone else is doing it!" I've seen its benefits; offering friends and family a quick and simple way to keep tabs on what's happening in your life. I've also seen the pitfalls; strangers able to see personal thoughts, loss of personal touch with people you may have otherwise had an actual conversation with, etc. I can't promise I'll be able to keep up with this as well as others that I know, but I will do my best. I'll become a computer junky yet, as I now have two emails, a myspace and a blog. Well, what can you do...