Heart of Hearts...

Inside my heart of hearts
You have delivered me
Messiah, You calmed the raging sea
Inside my heart of hearts.

Lyrics from a song that sings to me in times when I'm hurt, by Wayne Watson.

I have tried to brush it off, ignore it, or even hide from it. I have tried to simply not let it affect me. Others have offered advice which I have tried. I have taped a picture of a duck to my computer at work to remind me to let it "roll off my back like water off a duck's back". I put up a strong front, but inwardly I'm shrinking and shriveling. Because no matter what, I always have and always will, have a sensitive heart.

The slightest off-hand remark or inflection in a voice can send me reeling. Even if it was unintended. A truly harsh word is like a knife being stabbed directly into me.

God has promised that He will contend with those who contend with us (Isaiah 41:11). And He will strengthen us before our enemy (Psalm 18).

I want to ask if I will ever grow out of this. Will I ever be unhurt by the words of man? Perhaps I have discovered part of the purpose for my current position. Never have I been somewhere before where words were used everyday in such a harsh, critical way. Never before have I been so wounded by words spoken to me or about me. Perhaps I am here to once and for all learn that my validation is from God alone. No one on earth can take that from me.

But is there a way for my heart to exist in both ways? To still be sensitive and yet not be wounded? Or just maybe, that is why my heart is sensitive and to lose the wounds would harden it. If that is so, then I will have to learn to endure the wounds. For though I act tough, I enjoy my sensitive heart and the compassion towards others that it allows.